hello to all in blogland, i have been shaken from my CNN-induced stupor by, as usual, a good shake delivered by Marky, he of the West Coast insatiable-media-diet. i think we could all use a little levity these days....but it's hard to come by, and for good reason. i went to a movie on Friday night, but i felt guilty about it. in the movie, there were scenes of police cars and ambulances, and the audience visibly cringed. (on a more comical note, the guy who plays Dr. Kovach on "E.R.", Goran Vijsnic, total hottie, is in the movie, "The Deep End", and he actually performs CPR on someone, and everyone was tittering because he was shouting, "No! Let me do it! One! Two! Three! Again!" ... hee hee hee, "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV...") i have turned off the TV indefinitely...i cannot wait until the Red Sox play again tomorrow night, but I'm sure there will be nonstop disturbing commentary, not to mention what will probably be the most rousing national anthem sing-along of our lifetimes...and on and on. trying to focus on the little or bizarre details of "these events" sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. to wit, a company in Canada send several thousand pairs of protective dog shoes to NYC, for the rescue dogs, so they didn't hurt their feet in the rubble...a noble effort to be sure, but i mean, they must have a LOT of backordered stock, don't you think? dog shoes?

in oddly more poignant news, here in Boston the small thing that drove home the dislocation the most was that on the front page of the Globe a subtle change appeared. normally in the upper right hand corner there is a short weather summary, headed by a very dopey little pun, which changes every day, something like "SUNNY SIDE UP" on a nice day, or "RAIN AND BOUQUETS" on a showery May day (get it?). but since Tuesday, the little blurb just says "THE WEATHER." how gloomy.

and in slightly hilarious small news, our valiant heroes at The Onion have decided to post the same issue as last week, this Wednesday. there's not a lot of desire, they think, for pointed black humor these days. oh, sadly, not true...the fact that this whole series of events sounds like something cooked up by The Onion just makes me want a fresh dose even more...but until then, stick with The Obscure Store. there's still plenty of Obscure News...as I've just demonstrated.

good afternoon to all my readers, particularly the one, the only, the singular Yuval. my, he's a good egg.

as many of you remember, a while back i spent some blogtime ranting about the Levi's super-low-rise jeans ad with the headless woman whose navels sang "I'm Coming Out." well, for some strange reason, today is the day to revisit that dark time. don't ask me why, i started looking at book reviews for Naomi Wolf's new book about pregnancy and childbirth (which apparently is not so terrific anyway), and i wound up at a slightly flaky yet heart-warming site called loveyourbelly.com. ahhhh, props. so read that and then contrast it to the evil empire of Levi's, and then get a slightly more balanced view on this hilarious lowrise jeans bulletin board. all i have to say is, BRING BACK THE 80's! and by that i mean big layered pastel knits, stirrup pants, thigh-length sweaters, and all, not this Debbie Harry spike-heeled dealie they're on about these days. that's my fashion $0.02, i suppose.

here's a soothing little verse for us all to think over this afternoon, shall we?

"There was once a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
she was very very good,
and when she was bad, she was horrid."

art imitating life, yet again...

i apoligize once again to my blog-adoring public for my lapse in posting...things have been a little hectic lately. i seem to have been befriended, kidnapped, courted, cajoled, wined, dined, amused, seduced and generally wooed by this man here. i'll try to get back into my blogging when i get the feeling back in my legs.

from the X-Files of food science comes the Monsanto Roundup Ready soybean. this tasty little bean is genetically engineered to resist the weed-killer spray, Roundup, that Monsanto makes for use in soybean fields. only problem is, scientists discovered some unidentifiable DNA in the beans. doesn't that make you want to bite into a big juicy tofuburger right about now?

just had to post the funniest thing i've ever seen. file this under "if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a vibrator." note the fact that the copy only touts it's ability to massage one's neck, feet and back, yet there are "related product" links to better sex videos, and you have to be 18 to buy one. and best of all, the wacky Japanese rotating jelly-rabbit vibe is photographed with it, along with a super-70s daisy, a la SUmmer's Eve douche ads, which i guess is supposed to (wait for it...) dull the effect.

true to my word, i am back this afternoon to tend my bloggy little garden some more. here is a great essay from Salon about one guy who left his broken heart in San Francisco, a town he loved -- and who doesn't? -- that was overrun and depsoiled by soulless zombie ravenous yuppie dotcommers. and speaking of Volkswagen-driving go-getters, check out this quote of the decade from a recently laid-off techie:

"Now I'm 30 years old, I have no job, I haven't had a date in months; I mean, who'd want to date me? I'm living at my aunt and uncle's house, sleeping in my cousin's old bedroom under a Laura Ashley bedspread. I mean, my relatives have been great, but--look, I had my own apartment. I'll probably have to sell my Passat next."

everybody together now: boo. hoo. hoo.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this next song to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today. Cameron Frye, this one's for you..."

my dearest Marky has shaken me out of my bloglapse stupor. i promise to do better, for all you readers who dutifully click over to my unbelievably obscure little realm. *sniff* how could i fail you like this? yeah, well, that's all gonna change. we have Mark Schwartz to thank. yup, Mark Schwartz deserves to be recognized for his efforts. Mark Schwartz is a man who cares about this blog. He cares about many other things too, don't get me wrong, but Mark Schwartz always makes time for the little bloggers in his life. He is one smooth guy, that Mark Schwartz, but he is also a big, friendly geek. That's why he's online so much, and so diligently, that cunning Mark Schwartz. Mark Schwartz is, i would say, a renaissance man. We can all learn a lot from Mark Schwartz. You might even say that Mark Schwartz is an inspiration to ordinary mortals like you and me. Of course, maybe you feel Mark Schwartz still has a lot to learn about life, and that may be, who's to say? all i know is, i just can't say enough things about Mark Schwartz, god love him. that Mark Schwartz, what a character! i say, Mark Schwartzes of the world, unite!

thank you, danke soen, and goodnight...

ok, just as an aside, it *would* be kinda cool to be named Target. but only if you were my dog.

i promise that next week i will post nothing but cheerful, optimistic musings on the essential goodness of humanity and the multifarious joys of being alive in this world, but lately there is just so much good garbage to rant about i cannot resist. so, here's something for the WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!?! file - a couple from Mt. Kisco NY has posted an auction on EBay for the naming rights to their newborn son. we now pause for your primal scream moment here.

they are starting the bidding at $500,000 (at least), and in exchange they will name their child after whichever corporate entity steps up to the plate. could be they name him Starbucks, Cocacola, Visa, Rolex, Mitsubishi, Hewlett-Packard, Motorola, Citibank, Adidas, Intel, Compaq, Tetley, Nabisco, Kodak, who the hell knows? what a great way to let your kid know just how much he's worth to you - by naming him Viacom! i've heard of pompous names (brothers named Harvard and Penn, after their parents' alma maters), cruel names (a girl named Monday Morning Mail after some Dylan song or something), and just plain dopey names (the couple who named their fifth kid ESPN because the dad watches it so much). but this, friends, really grazes the very bottom of the scummy fishtank of consumer capitalism. somewhere, George Orwell is chuckling over this. welcome to the world, Baby Gap.

to match the gloomy, though cool, Boston weather this morning, here's a cold cup of coffee for ya: in today's NYTimes, Bob Herbert writes about the World Bank's report on the global plague that is tobacco. according to this, tobacco will soon be the #1 cause of death in the developing world, bigger than AIDS, tuberculosis, malaria, car crashes, homicides, etc. AIDS and tobacco illnesses are the most rapidly growing health crises in the world. 4 times as many children in the third world take up smoking every day as in the West - that's about 68,000 or so. as i suggested to Mandy yesterday, the government should bust the tobacco companies and make nictoine available free, but only in injection and suppository form. it's so addictive people would still use it, but maybe some social stigma would finally arise around it. rather than looking cool, you would look like a real junkie freak shooting up outside your building on a smoke break, or constantly running to the ladies room to insert something in your rear to "calm your nerves." hmmmmm, i see a real future for myself in social engineering, don't you?

in other news, what the hell is wrong with Derek Lowe? once again he fritters away the Red Sox lead in the final inning, getting blown out with a big fat Toronto homer. i say switch him with Garces. let him screw things up and give Beck and Garces a chance to really warm up before they close. hmmm, could it be that i detest Lowe because of his resemblance to my cruel high school crush? nah, it's just because he just rots.

to continue with my ranting about socio-racial news, Boston.com has posted an article about the sole Latino mayoral candidate, which begins this way: "Boston is more than 50% minority." um, can anybody count anymore? or use proper grammar, for that matter?

for advice, i suggest we all turn to Bonita, the wonderful Latina talkshow host and advice columnist from our perennial favorite periodical, L'Oignon. Se amo!