she's ajar

2001-09-17T10:33:00.000-04:00

hello to all in blogland, i have been shaken from my CNN-induced stupor by, as usual, a good shake delivered by Marky, he of the West Coast insatiable-media-diet. i think we could all use a little levity these days....but it's hard to come by, and for good reason. i went to a movie on Friday night, but i felt guilty about it. in the movie, there were scenes of police cars and ambulances, and the audience visibly cringed. (on a more comical note, the guy who plays Dr. Kovach on "E.R.", Goran Vijsnic, total hottie, is in the movie, "The Deep End", and he actually performs CPR on someone, and everyone was tittering because he was shouting, "No! Let me do it! One! Two! Three! Again!" ... hee hee hee, "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV...") i have turned off the TV indefinitely...i cannot wait until the Red Sox play again tomorrow night, but I'm sure there will be nonstop disturbing commentary, not to mention what will probably be the most rousing national anthem sing-along of our lifetimes...and on and on. trying to focus on the little or bizarre details of "these events" sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. to wit, a company in Canada send several thousand pairs of protective dog shoes to NYC, for the rescue dogs, so they didn't hurt their feet in the rubble...a noble effort to be sure, but i mean, they must have a LOT of backordered stock, don't you think? dog shoes?

in oddly more poignant news, here in Boston the small thing that drove home the dislocation the most was that on the front page of the Globe a subtle change appeared. normally in the upper right hand corner there is a short weather summary, headed by a very dopey little pun, which changes every day, something like "SUNNY SIDE UP" on a nice day, or "RAIN AND BOUQUETS" on a showery May day (get it?). but since Tuesday, the little blurb just says "THE WEATHER." how gloomy.

and in slightly hilarious small news, our valiant heroes at The Onion have decided to post the same issue as last week, this Wednesday. there's not a lot of desire, they think, for pointed black humor these days. oh, sadly, not true...the fact that this whole series of events sounds like something cooked up by The Onion just makes me want a fresh dose even more...but until then, stick with The Obscure Store. there's still plenty of Obscure News...as I've just demonstrated.

2001-09-06T15:22:00.000-04:00

good afternoon to all my readers, particularly the one, the only, the singular Yuval. my, he's a good egg.

2001-09-06T10:24:00.000-04:00

as many of you remember, a while back i spent some blogtime ranting about the Levi's super-low-rise jeans ad with the headless woman whose navels sang "I'm Coming Out." well, for some strange reason, today is the day to revisit that dark time. don't ask me why, i started looking at book reviews for Naomi Wolf's new book about pregnancy and childbirth (which apparently is not so terrific anyway), and i wound up at a slightly flaky yet heart-warming site called loveyourbelly.com. ahhhh, props. so read that and then contrast it to the evil empire of Levi's, and then get a slightly more balanced view on this hilarious lowrise jeans bulletin board. all i have to say is, BRING BACK THE 80's! and by that i mean big layered pastel knits, stirrup pants, thigh-length sweaters, and all, not this Debbie Harry spike-heeled dealie they're on about these days. that's my fashion $0.02, i suppose.

2001-08-22T16:31:00.000-04:00

here's a soothing little verse for us all to think over this afternoon, shall we?

"There was once a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
she was very very good,
and when she was bad, she was horrid."

art imitating life, yet again...

2001-08-22T16:00:00.000-04:00

i apoligize once again to my blog-adoring public for my lapse in posting...things have been a little hectic lately. i seem to have been befriended, kidnapped, courted, cajoled, wined, dined, amused, seduced and generally wooed by this man here. i'll try to get back into my blogging when i get the feeling back in my legs.

2001-08-16T10:05:00.000-04:00

from the X-Files of food science comes the Monsanto Roundup Ready soybean. this tasty little bean is genetically engineered to resist the weed-killer spray, Roundup, that Monsanto makes for use in soybean fields. only problem is, scientists discovered some unidentifiable DNA in the beans. doesn't that make you want to bite into a big juicy tofuburger right about now?

2001-08-08T15:20:00.000-04:00

just had to post the funniest thing i've ever seen. file this under "if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a vibrator." note the fact that the copy only touts it's ability to massage one's neck, feet and back, yet there are "related product" links to better sex videos, and you have to be 18 to buy one. and best of all, the wacky Japanese rotating jelly-rabbit vibe is photographed with it, along with a super-70s daisy, a la SUmmer's Eve douche ads, which i guess is supposed to (wait for it...) dull the effect.

2001-08-08T15:02:00.000-04:00

true to my word, i am back this afternoon to tend my bloggy little garden some more. here is a great essay from Salon about one guy who left his broken heart in San Francisco, a town he loved -- and who doesn't? -- that was overrun and depsoiled by soulless zombie ravenous yuppie dotcommers. and speaking of Volkswagen-driving go-getters, check out this quote of the decade from a recently laid-off techie:

"Now I'm 30 years old, I have no job, I haven't had a date in months; I mean, who'd want to date me? I'm living at my aunt and uncle's house, sleeping in my cousin's old bedroom under a Laura Ashley bedspread. I mean, my relatives have been great, but--look, I had my own apartment. I'll probably have to sell my Passat next."

everybody together now: boo. hoo. hoo.

2001-08-08T09:02:00.000-04:00

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this next song to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today. Cameron Frye, this one's for you..."

my dearest Marky has shaken me out of my bloglapse stupor. i promise to do better, for all you readers who dutifully click over to my unbelievably obscure little realm. *sniff* how could i fail you like this? yeah, well, that's all gonna change. we have Mark Schwartz to thank. yup, Mark Schwartz deserves to be recognized for his efforts. Mark Schwartz is a man who cares about this blog. He cares about many other things too, don't get me wrong, but Mark Schwartz always makes time for the little bloggers in his life. He is one smooth guy, that Mark Schwartz, but he is also a big, friendly geek. That's why he's online so much, and so diligently, that cunning Mark Schwartz. Mark Schwartz is, i would say, a renaissance man. We can all learn a lot from Mark Schwartz. You might even say that Mark Schwartz is an inspiration to ordinary mortals like you and me. Of course, maybe you feel Mark Schwartz still has a lot to learn about life, and that may be, who's to say? all i know is, i just can't say enough things about Mark Schwartz, god love him. that Mark Schwartz, what a character! i say, Mark Schwartzes of the world, unite!

thank you, danke soen, and goodnight...

2001-07-26T16:10:00.000-04:00

ok, just as an aside, it *would* be kinda cool to be named Target. but only if you were my dog.

2001-07-26T16:07:00.000-04:00

i promise that next week i will post nothing but cheerful, optimistic musings on the essential goodness of humanity and the multifarious joys of being alive in this world, but lately there is just so much good garbage to rant about i cannot resist. so, here's something for the WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!?! file - a couple from Mt. Kisco NY has posted an auction on EBay for the naming rights to their newborn son. we now pause for your primal scream moment here.

they are starting the bidding at $500,000 (at least), and in exchange they will name their child after whichever corporate entity steps up to the plate. could be they name him Starbucks, Cocacola, Visa, Rolex, Mitsubishi, Hewlett-Packard, Motorola, Citibank, Adidas, Intel, Compaq, Tetley, Nabisco, Kodak, who the hell knows? what a great way to let your kid know just how much he's worth to you - by naming him Viacom! i've heard of pompous names (brothers named Harvard and Penn, after their parents' alma maters), cruel names (a girl named Monday Morning Mail after some Dylan song or something), and just plain dopey names (the couple who named their fifth kid ESPN because the dad watches it so much). but this, friends, really grazes the very bottom of the scummy fishtank of consumer capitalism. somewhere, George Orwell is chuckling over this. welcome to the world, Baby Gap.

2001-07-26T09:42:00.000-04:00

to match the gloomy, though cool, Boston weather this morning, here's a cold cup of coffee for ya: in today's NYTimes, Bob Herbert writes about the World Bank's report on the global plague that is tobacco. according to this, tobacco will soon be the #1 cause of death in the developing world, bigger than AIDS, tuberculosis, malaria, car crashes, homicides, etc. AIDS and tobacco illnesses are the most rapidly growing health crises in the world. 4 times as many children in the third world take up smoking every day as in the West - that's about 68,000 or so. as i suggested to Mandy yesterday, the government should bust the tobacco companies and make nictoine available free, but only in injection and suppository form. it's so addictive people would still use it, but maybe some social stigma would finally arise around it. rather than looking cool, you would look like a real junkie freak shooting up outside your building on a smoke break, or constantly running to the ladies room to insert something in your rear to "calm your nerves." hmmmmm, i see a real future for myself in social engineering, don't you?

in other news, what the hell is wrong with Derek Lowe? once again he fritters away the Red Sox lead in the final inning, getting blown out with a big fat Toronto homer. i say switch him with Garces. let him screw things up and give Beck and Garces a chance to really warm up before they close. hmmm, could it be that i detest Lowe because of his resemblance to my cruel high school crush? nah, it's just because he just rots.

2001-07-25T12:09:00.000-04:00

to continue with my ranting about socio-racial news, Boston.com has posted an article about the sole Latino mayoral candidate, which begins this way: "Boston is more than 50% minority." um, can anybody count anymore? or use proper grammar, for that matter?

for advice, i suggest we all turn to Bonita, the wonderful Latina talkshow host and advice columnist from our perennial favorite periodical, L'Oignon. Se amo!

2001-07-19T10:16:00.000-04:00

Media Crisis Alert: Ani Difranco was supposed to perform on Dave Letterman, but the producers CANCELLED her performance and REPLACED HER with another act. Why? Ani was going to sing "Subdivision," a song about racism in America. The producers asked her at the last minute to "sing something more UPBEAT" and she refused - good for her! Dave's staff says the choice wasn not about the CONTENT of the song, but about what was more "preferable musically." what a lie. the opening line of "Subdivision" goes like this:

"White people are so scared of black people, they bulldoze out to the country and put up houses on little loopy-loop streets."

gee, i wonder why they wouldn't want that playing on David Letterman's show - because those streets are their core demographic?? Now, as for the upbeat part, let's note that the chorus of the song goes:

"And I'm wonderin' what it would take for my city to rise, first we admit our mistakes, and then we open our eyes."

what a concept. like the song says, "America the beautiful is one big subdivision." read all about it here. boycott Dave, watch The Daily Show instead.

2001-07-18T09:56:00.000-04:00

today is a day for juicy celebrity gossip. Amy Reiter's column on Salon contains, to my mind, three delicious bombshells: Minne Driver is marrying Josh "Goonies"/"Flirting With Disaster" Brolin, thus soon her stepmother-in-law will be Barbra Streisand, yikes. even better, Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz are aparently dating, a power couple in the facial bone structure dept., but isn't he a little old for her? but best of all, and this truly boggles my mind, Laura Dern is pregnant, with BEN HARPER's baby! where have i been? that sounds like a pretty good way to get back at Billy Bob, though, doesn't it?

2001-07-16T12:48:00.000-04:00

ok people, for once, Chris Schueler has stumped me. well, not him exactly, this bizarre website he forwarded to me did. i can't explain it, but this thing can read my thoughts. yours too. just think of a dictator or a sitcom character and it will guess who it is. i had in mind Idi Amin and Nellie Olson from 'Little House on the Prairie,' and it got both. ah, the gifts of technology!

2001-07-12T17:45:00.000-04:00

i knew i went to law school for a reason. it was so i could learn about things like the patent for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. what a great country we live in!

2001-07-12T10:54:00.000-04:00

ok, just a little headsup, this is a real idiotbox-fest kinda day here in PQWorld, so if you're feeling a little *over* my pop rantings you might want to just tune back in when i have a chance to get to something more highfalutin and intellectual and all. just a thought.

true story: when i was a kid, i had four goldfish named Emmy, Tony, Oscar and Grammy. this explains a great deal, doesn't it? somehow that relates to the fact that the Emmy nominations were announced this morning, and a few little shout-outs need to be made, i think. first off, of course The Sopranos leads the pack, with 20+ nominations. so whaddyagonnado? let's talk about the capicola. next, true sitcom genius has finally been recognized with Malcolm in the Middle, with noms for the show and for Mom/Lois/Jane Kaczmarek and Malcolm/Frankie Muniz. the only drawback there is that Dad/Hal/Bryan Cranston didn't get one, he is my favorite. and it must be a red letter day in the Kaczmarek/Whitford household, where Bradley Whitford, Josh on West Wing, lives with Jane K. - he was nominated too. they have come a long way from co-starring on Touched By An Angel, thank god. and finally, on an appropriately acidic, bitchy note, let's pause to imagine the first day back on the set of Will & Grace this fall, which was nominated for best comedy: the only cast memeber who was not nominated for an acting award is, need we even say it, Debra Messing/Grace, who we just can't seem to like in the least, even after all this time. i guess it's not her fault they keep dressing her up like a Boogie Nights Barbie, but still, it must be some kind of sign.

2001-07-11T15:16:00.000-04:00

hmmmm, does this seem troubling to anyone? American Airlines is introducing a service to frequent flyers: you can "check in " for your flight over the phone. you call a number, answer those "Has anyone asked you to carry a bag for them?" questions to an *automated attendant* and then you whisk right onto your flight, carry-on bags only. lovely.

i thought it couldn't sink lower than the very suspect E-Ticket system; when i went to LA in May i bought my ticket online, went to the airport, went right to the gate, slid my ticket into a little machine and whisked right onto the plane, thinking the whole time, "I could've used a fake name, fake credit card, fake ID, etc. and could have a Thermos full of anthrax in my bag, and there'd be no way to trace it." this on top of the fact that most airport security counters are staffed by half-wit teenagers, or at least the ones in Newark Airport are. i once had my backpack searched by an indolent young lass who unzipped it, rooted her hand around inside for a second, said to me, 'you know, i don't even know what i'm lookin' for - here you go!" eeeeeep. between terrorphobia and those shots in "Cast Away" of the plane nosediving towards the ocean, i'm about ready to Amtrak it from now on. i'm sure Marky appreciates this.

2001-07-10T16:30:00.000-04:00

oh Ben Affleck, we harldy knew ye. that's right folks, he of the incongruously attractive potato-shaped head, local Cantabridgian boy made good, and portrayer of the world's first dyslexic action hero (in Pearl Harbor), is doing something very naughty for Diet Coke, my own sweet opiate of choice. sip sip sip...aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

2001-07-10T11:02:00.000-04:00

just when you thought she had signed off forever...

this is what a few days of "new job" yields - a fine urban legend in the making, involving a hit movie, an ice cream conglomerate, and of course, some Pop Rocks. long story short, don't let your five-year-old eat that 'Shrek'-flavored ice cream, she might swallow the Pop Rocks in it whole, and swell up rather painfully.

as usual, i promise more for later...i leave you with yet another tip o'the tiara to Steve Carrell of The Daily Show, who pointed out to us last night, "As you may or may not be aware, sex can, in fact, sell!"

2001-06-20T14:46:00.000-04:00

what a happy baby! Brit toddler swallows an Ecstasy tablet, lives to tell the tale - and drink several baby bottles of water.

2001-06-20T11:37:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon, ticketholders!

first off, i must give the shout out to SuperJustin, for he hath delivered unto me this day a fine and glorious link, yea, verily. check out the Interactive Ralph Wiggum. what a cute little twerp he is. ralph, i mean, not Justin. well, maybe him too.

in other news, join me in a cathode-ray-tube-smashing rampage as i methodically destroy every TV in the universe for showing that ludicrous new Levi's ad with the headless women whose navels are singing 'I'm Coming Out.' further comment on this offal would be superfluous and would also probably jumpstart my facial tic again, so let's leave that alone. someone will pay for this, and pay big.

the other frightening TV moment of the week so far came, of course, from K-Tel. or some such musical nostalgia repackaging company. right before The Daily Show the other night, we clicked over an ad for a NINETIES ROCK COMPLATION. jesusmaryandjoseph, the decade is not yet cold in the ground at they are spining out crappy compilations of such equally memorable bands as Stone Temple Pilots, Hootie, and Nirvana. just as my jaw started to drop at this very notion, they reached out and hammered a stake right into my cold little Gen11 heart - "Brick" by Ben Fold Five is on there! they even showed a clip of the video! NIHILO SANCTUM ESTNE? i screamed and dropped the remote...have not yet fully recovered. i once again start a refrain of my soothing late-20's mantra: "Still hip....still hip!...still hip...."

yeah, just keep telling yourself that...

2001-06-15T11:34:00.000-04:00

looks like i might as well pack it in, i will no longer be a productive member of society (*snort snort*) now that i have discovered uselessknowledge.com. trivia overdose commencing...

2001-06-13T15:07:00.000-04:00

oh yay, a couple with prom outfits made entirely out of duct tape! apparently there is a contest for the best design, but the vest and patterned skirt get my vote. man, i was lame in high school.